Parting is such sweet sorrow

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax.
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."

This is the end of An Actor's Journal as we know it. In fact, this is the end of my blogging project as I know it. I never say never, but for now I've decided to draw a definite line under everything. Considering I haven't written anything for nearly three months, this probably comes as no surprise, but I thought it fair to at least say a proper goodbye.

There aren't many reasons for this. I simply haven't the time, energy, authority or inclination to maintain a blog about acting or being an actor. Many experienced and successful directors and practitioners from Konstantin Stanislavsky and Bertolt Brecht to Declan Donnellan and Mike Alfreds have stressed that acting by its very nature is a process of doing first and foremost. Anything else - be that writing, discussing, eulogising etc - is just circumambulation or, as one of my teachers at drama school may endearingly put it, "bollocks". Over the past ten months I have been inspired, exhausted, terrified, relaxed, confirmed and sensitised to the fact that I have a very long way to go before I have enough experience or insight to even consider acting, let alone writing about it for a readership. Who do I think I am! My primary concern right now should be the process of acting and not any results, reception or reflection which may spring from it. I see that so clearly, now, that it's a wonder I had the gall to assume a blog on it in the first place.

Another fairly obvious reason is that, because of my training, I can't fully focus on both the day-to-day experience of training and the activity of recording it for posterity. As the saying goes, one cannot be a slave for two masters, and I know where my true allegiance lies. I enjoy the training so much I often feel too overwhelemed at the end of the week to even keep a comprehensive record of my own notes, let alone condense, edit and reshape them for a wider audience. There is a reason why training can often seem so elusive and private. That is because it is. Beyond the basic craft of vocal and physical ability to sustain a performance, the essence of acting exists outside of both objectivity and the capabilities of language. The experience is so much more profound, that I envy those who can even remotely describe it as recognisable to others. I'm not describing some form of magic, either. Try and accurately describe love, fear, grief, rage, or any other stong and deep emotion and you face the same problem. Drama, the theatre, acting, whatever you want to call it, is borne out of those emotions and includes an uncanny bond between the actors and audience. The effort of writing about this phenomenon is simply too great for my pretty little head.

Finally - and this is a question I ought to have asked myself long ago - who gives a damn? The majority of readers of this blog were kind enough to continue after an earlier blog I wrote. How many of these people actually want to read this stuff? It's a bit of a niche market, and though we all watch plays, films or television, few of us care enough to talk about it in detail. Those who have the spirit and the knowledge do a better job than I do, so why step on their toes? I'm not trying to be humble, I just know that I cannot devote as much time to this kind of work as many others do. My heart isn't really in the blog, though my enthusiasm for the work at school and future career has only increased.

So there you have it. I'm too lazy to maintain a blog, and not enough people I know necessarily need to read my opinions or even care about such matters. The only respectable option was to make a dignified exit. It has been fun, though, and I'm very grateful to all and any who stumbled across these pages and found something useful to take with them. As I've already said, I can't claim to never return; but for the forseeable future this is, as they say, it.

Thank you and goodbye!

An Actor's Journal

Sweet are the uses of adversity

Something very strange has happened over the past four months. Although I shudder at the mere mention of the word, the only way to describe how I’ve been feeling is by saying that I’m incredibly happy. That’s right; I have almost nothing to complain about in my life right now.

Not that everything is perfect: I’m still crushingly poor, my home situation is far from ideal, and I have an administrative backlog as large and as difficult to overcome as the national deficit. However, this all pales into insignificance when I consider the positives.

First, as clichéd as it may seem, I’m alive and in good health. Nothing really matters above that. It’s all very well making a million pounds, but if you’re too tired, ill, or stressed to enjoy it, what’s the point? Second, I had a fantastic second term at Drama School, and have recently begun what promises to be an even better third term. Third, I have been slowly carrying out my New Year’s sort-of-Resolution. Finally, I have been making better connections with old and new friends and colleagues; all culminating in creating a happier, more self-assured and less worrisome me. The results have been clear to those around me, too: I’ve been told on various occasions how much happier, better-looking and more grounded I seem. Who am I to complain?

It’s all connected, of course. I think the fact that I made a very conscious decision to take more responsibility for my life has seeped into my way of dealing with the expected and extraordinary issues I face. The returns have been generous. After completing two rehearsal projects at school, I have been given very positive feedback. This is not to say that there isn’t plenty to work on, and goodness knows I’m more aware than ever of how much further I need to go, but the challenge is to work on what I need to work on, and go as far as I can go. One hopes this will be a lifelong career, and recent figures suggest I have an average of fifty years to continue improving and learning. Why waste the time I have now by not focusing exclusively on myself and the areas in which I could push myself?

The most important ingredient to my contentment cake is that I have finally remembered just how much fun I’m having. Acting is a strange job: we deal with raw human emotion and face the issues which dog our species on a daily basis. Despite this, one needn’t feel eternally anguished or despairing. With tears must come laughter, and the only way to treat the job is with a commitment to joy, pleasure and fun. The line between comedy and tragedy is so thin it’s almost indistinguishable. Shakespeare, Chekhov and many others knew this, and I would wager that it’s probably hardwired into our DNA to find and extract the positive from the negative. Drama School is such an intense little bubble which takes up so much energy that one could be forgiven for becoming ever so slightly engrossed in one’s own life. Nonetheless, the bubble is transparent and of one’s own making. You get what you put in, and you must always focus on the bigger picture. No-one is forced to go (indeed, every student auditioned to be offered a place) and it is a training for a career, so if you really do hate it the door is not locked. If ever I slip into a negative stream of thought I remind myself of this and that I have the power to make my experience a happy one. I always honour my natural emotions – I would never force myself to feign “happiness” – but there is a difference between feeling something and wallowing unnecessarily in it. I know I have a tendency to wallow, so I’d like to know if I can wallow in a bit of excitement, joy and pleasure for a while.

All a bit boring and self-help, this time around, I’m afraid; but if you came looking for bitterness and resentment, you arrived too early. I have 60 years to bitch and moan. Come back then.

Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;
And this our life, exempt from public haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in every thing.

As You Like It, II.1

An Actor's Journal

"Suit the action to the word, the word to the action"

This is a bit of a milestone post, folks. Not only have I finally returned to the blogosphere, but it’s a New Year, there is a New Look for the blog itself, and its writer is undergoing some serious changes.

Of course, the most monumental difference between now and the last time I wrote one of these posts is that I’ve finally begun my professional acting training. To say that it is a challenge would be more than an understatement. Nor would it be an overstatement to say that my life has begun a process of serious change, and I have learnt more about myself in a few months than I have in twenty-three years of existence. As well as this, my understanding of the theatre has been knocked sideways, and although I never had the audacity to believe I knew a great deal, I am now certain that there is a long way to go with how theatre and acting works, and that my body and imagination can stretch so much further than I had previously thought possible. Because of this, I’ve decided one major goal for myself. I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions anymore, but I have always believed in having something to aim for, and I know now that my main aim for 2011 can be condensed into three words: remove the clutter.

When I say “clutter” I mean habits and learnt modes of behaviour which have led to emotional, psychological and therefore artistic block. It’s a terminology borrowed from one of the acting teachers at my school and I believe it to be the cause of my particular blocks. The way I’ve led my life so far, with its ups, downs and sideways jerks, has been both a result of and a contribution to the complications in my life. I’ve always gone from one extreme to another, and although the nature of my upbringing and history has been a major influence, I’ve merely substituted one nonsense with another. Materially I’ve been surrounded by junk, and I’ve begun to pick up the habit by collecting possessions without learning the virtue of a tidy and simple non-materialistic lifestyle. Emotionally, I’ve had to hide, pretend, suppress and subdue; not just in terms of my sexuality but also in my relationships with other people. Or I’ve overcompensated by being short-tempered, intensely and possibly overbearingly passionate, moody and highly excitable. I recently did one of those online personality surveys which of course are on the whole a load of rubbish, but amongst the rubbish was a phrase which really struck a chord. It said that I gave the outward impression of a “mercurial personality”. How appropriate a word to describe me! I’m emotionally mercurial, ever fluid and changeable to the point of being completely uncontainable. In terms of an approach to the art of acting, this is quite attractive, but Drama School has already taught me that I’m nowhere near that stage yet. Although I don’t lead a double life, I’m still being somewhat duplicitous with people. I like to give the impression that I’m a strong person, impenetrable, and not susceptible to emotional damage despite (and maybe even because of) what I’ve been through. Well, that’s simply bollocks. I’m a human being, and of course I’ll feel vulnerable or weak at times. I need to achieve a sense of technical, emotional and imaginative stability and security within myself before attempting to go wild with the characters I play. Indeed, I’ll never really be able to act freely with a sense of safety without learning how to touch base with myself. Once I release all of my own tensions, the fun will follow.

Constantin Stanislavski,
Influential Theatre Practitioner

On our first day, we were asked to give very brief answers to four questions: 1) Who am I? 2) Where am I from? 3) What has brought me here? 4) What do I want to achieve? After everyone had spoken a little bit, we were reminded that these were four questions we always needed to ask when approaching a character as a living being within the world he/she/it inhabits. Well, I am a living being in a world inhabited by 6.5 billion other humans and billions of other specimens of other life! Where is the difference between myself and a character beyond the fact of the latter being fictional? A lot of drama from throughout the world and history is about people/characters who stumble through life with physical and emotional tensions, picking up baggage along the way, until they are forced to confront themselves and others, and in some cases the entire structure of the world in which they live. If that isn’t life as we know it, then I don’t know what is. Having had the Christmas and New Year break to reflect back on the first term has made me realise this and that my job as an actor is come to a better understanding of myself in order to understand the character. How on earth could I possibly fully inhabit another character when I do not really fully inhabit my own? I think this might be the key to improving as an actor, and as a person; but I can’t really achieve this until I remove the clutter which leads to block!

I can’t blame it all on external influences since all I’ve done is run away, first to Brighton and then Madrid, creating my own spaces to life a fabricated “free life”. That was all very well and good when I didn’t need to face the reality of my life in London, but now that I’ve had to return and I can’t live independently I find I’m confronted with my own attitudes to myself and my work. I don’t respect myself or how fortunate I have been. A girl in my class recently said something which hasn’t stopped resonating with me: everything which has happened to you in the past, good or bad, pleasant or otherwise, has led you to the here and now. I’ve extended that to understand that if you are in a good place, recognise that not only good or pleasant things have led you here, and that hard lessons will have been learnt. Similarly, if you are not currently happy, then it’s only temporary; but you have to be the one to realise that and use what you can learn from this time to lead you to a better future.

Well, now I’ve said it, it’s time I begin doing it. It’s time to take genuine responsibility for myself and my relationships with others. It’s time to actively learn to manage my time, energy and my money. It’s time to prove to myself and those around me that I can be a strong, independent and capable person. This all sounds a little bit self-help, but why not? One of the harsh realities of life is that you can’t always rely on everyone else to help you, although you shouldn’t be too proud to refuse any assistance offered. It’s a delicate balance between self-motivation and willpower, and willingness to be vulnerable at times and accept guidance. It’s probably the hardest lesson which I’ve only just begun, but at least I’m beginning the journey.

"What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me—nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so."
[Hamlet II.ii]

An Actor's Journal

Now Go We in Content

One month ago, I was a different person. As I said then, I was in a strange transitory place. In a few ways I still am, but the major difference is that this month I've been rehearsing. Regardless of the general turmoil of life scattered about my tired frame, I now get up at ungodly hours and spend most of my energy on pretending to be someone else for six days a week. Who wouldn't want this life? Gone are the concerns about paying rent and bills, the fear of not eating is rendered inexistent, and my social life has all but disappeared; but what do I care? I'm working!

Except I'm not actually working. I'm investing my energy and resources, but with no monetary renumeration. It's all out of the goodness of my heart. Why then, I hear you splutter, would I want to waste my time, money and energy doing such a thing? Three words: experience, networking and wellbeing.

Regardless of the financial benefits (or lack thereof), every single project I am involved with is a training all on its own. Think about it: if you want to be a journalist, you may have to spend a lot of time being an intern at a newspaper office, perhaps being promoted to runner and tea/coffee-maker on minimum wage. All the while, you are watching seasoned professionals do it and make a reasonable living from it. Being in the atmosphere is hugely useful for two reasons. Firstly, you see all the triumphs and pitfalls of the work involved which is the best way to discover if something is really for you. Then there's the inspiration: watching the pros do their thing is a great way of making personal comparisons, and learning as you go. Well, the National Youth Theatre may produce amateur theatre on paper, but the working method and production values are equal to those of the hundreds of successful theatre companies out there. Indeed, several alumni of the NYT have gone on to do great things. The roll call of successful actors, directors, producers, technicians and administrators began their careers with the company, and they all come back every year for a Gala event.

These Gala events take various forms and are essentially fundraisers for the company. The good thing about any theatre comany's fundraising events is that you're guaranteed an entertaining night. Guess who'll be performing at this year's Gala event? Meaning that after performing I'll be mingling with the likes of Helen Mirren, Timothy Spall, Matt Smith and Sir Ian McKellen. It won't just be a chance to rub shoulders with stars, of course, as plenty of industry people (directors, casting agents and representatives) also attend. Say I make an impression with some of these highly influential people: they speak to me and ask me what I'm doing. I tell them I'm off to one of the best Drama Schools in the country. They may make a note of this, follow my progress, and who knows? Maybe I'll be signing contracts the day after graduation in 2013. Another reason not to turn one's nose up at "volunteering" with the NYT.

Finally - and this may come as a shock to you, my dear readers - I enjoy it. I mean I really enjoy it! Goodness only knows how I managed to keep sane doing anything else. Since the beginning of August, acting has finally taken its rightful place as Number One Concern in my life, and boy does it feel good to not care about anything else but my career. Is it any wonder actors find it difficult to function in the so-called "real world"? What is there for us? All that serious nonsense and bluff about mortgages, routine, social manners and 9-5: BORING! If your mind doesn't bend that way, why force it? Why not make some quality (and, who knows, maybe even educational and socially enriching) entertainment, instead, and have fun while doing it? Sounds good to me.

It isn't for everyone, of course, as rehearsals are beginning to prove. The division between the serious and not-so-serious members is beginning to make itself clearer as the days go by. We all like a bit of fun, but the theatre is work nevertheless, and there are targets of a sort to be met. Namely, when you have a week to have the show ready - props and all - you don't want to spend five minutes telling people to shut up and reset for a key scene in Act One. It is hard work, and the fun is a bonus, not a substitute. Some people need to remember that. In the strictly professional world, there would have been quite a few job losses already; but that really is the only difference between the National Youth Theatre and the National Theatre. It isn't to say the ethos and work ethic is any less focused. A perfect training ground for a life in the crazy business we call show.

And this really is the beginning of my new life, as it were: halfway through the run of Relish I start at Drama School. Training from 8.30am until 6pm, then hotfooting it down to the venue to perform at 7.30 will be tough, but I'm perversely looking forward to it. It's a model for what one hopes will be a long and varied career. I want to stretch myself as far as possible, and I'll have to get used to gruelling schedules, weight loss (and gain), and the lack of contact with people in the real world. When one considers that 92% of professional actors are out of work one becomesvery grateful for anything they can get. Stay in that 8% and you're happy.

So I really cannot complain about anything, this month. I'm young, I'm free, and I'm doing what I do best. This is living!

let the world slip, we shall ne'er be younger.

The Taming of the Shrew (Induction, Scene 2.137-144)

An Actor's Journal

The World's Mine Oyster

In many senses, I'm living in limbo. I've finally moved out of Brighton and, barring the odd trip down for my graduation ceremony and the like, I have nothing more to do with the place. Since the beginning of July I have been based in Brixton - a South London district famous for influential race riots in the early 80s - and will be here until the end of August, when I return to the dulcis domus. I may not particuarly relish the idea of moving back in with my dad, but it'll be a cheap and temporary way of surviving while I set myself up properly in London for what looks like the rest of my working life. Part of me wishes I were able to relocate to Madrid, but that is a fantasy. The reality is that not only is it more possible for a black actor to have a successful career on the stage in the UK, but also that (with the exceptions of the experimental, fringe and touring regional companies) Spanish theatre just doesn't compare to that of Britain and is not what it used to be. So Perfidious Albion it is; which is fine, as long as I can be based in the cultural and commercial capital.

Career-wise, things are looking up. The official start of my training will be on the 13th of September, when I walk through the doors for my first day of training at drama school. I cannot wait: after having three months of really intense auditions I knew that the place I eventually chose was the right one for me. In one panel, when performing a section of the Act II Scene 2 "traitor" monologue in Henry V ("The mercy that was quick in us but late...") I was brought close to tears. After that experience I knew I would benefit so much from the training given there. Before that I'll be performing with the National Youth Theatre in the major play of this summer's season, so I'll have that to keep me busy over August. The main worry was what to do with July. I had it all planned: finish university at the end of May, search for a summer job and work part-time over June, move it up to full time for July, then quit and live frugally on my earnings over August. Plans are always perfect; life, however, is less so. I spent a month and a half just looking, applying for almost anything online; handing out my CV in bars, clubs, theatres, bookshops, cafés, restaurants, shops and even in Victoria train station, all to no avail. Finally, this week, after a little CV surgery and a some help from my friends, I managed to get three job opportunities come my way. Jobs are like buses: you wait for one...

So, on Monday I start my new job. Admittedly, it isn't the most comfortable, rewarding or satisfactory job out there, but what can I expect for three weeks' work? Besides, beggars can't be choosers, and it was getting so desperate I was living on one meal of bread/rice/pasta and cheese/chicken/mince a day. Ah, poverty: not so much the actor's friend as the one who's constantly pestering the actor, despite his many attempts to rid himself of its company. Thanks to this placement, I'll be keeping poverty at bay for the time being.

Finally, as the upward trend in my career and professional prospects continues to soar, so the downward spiral of my loneliness and misery continues to sink. It's always the way: my love and work life seem to be in constant diametric opposition; as one goes well, the other goes spectacularly badly. Take Spain: a serious relationship and several lovers; not one single dramatic performance. This year: three plays, three drama school offers and a summer project; but rejection, disillusionment, crap sex, and now being dumped. Without delving into too many details, I met someone who was perfect on paper - a good looking, funny actor who was genuinely interested in me - but for the small inconvenience of being in love with his ex. Such is life: I can only hope that if I have to choose a life of success and singledom over unemployment and a family life, I'll take the former option. Them's the breaks: after all, one needs some measure of heartache and despair to pool and use when playing the dane...

I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano,
A stage where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.

The Merchant of Venice (I.i.77-79)